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heat index.

by Liz Rose

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1.
Standing at the edge of it I feel like I’m 17 again Listening to my old songs I thought could break me Fingers clasped into my own In the fetal position on my throne Wild slipknot dreams cannot shake me Up til 3, I read your note You passed me in the halls and it stopped my throat I’m 17 again, and this is crazy Ripping at the seams, Razor blades and screams Poems in my notebooks and twisted dreams Alcohol could stop time and time could stop me But one, one day the clock Picked up where it stopped With Linkin Park and Green Day American Idiot lives in my head Thoughts that I thought were dead Sink back into replay Settled at the other side Of this different stage in my life I’m young at heart again And this is crazy Sinking at the brink of it Just when I stop thinking of it I listen to my old songs I thought had shaped me Fingers clasped on the steering wheel Down 80 West, it’s getting real These fucking playlists always seem to get me I could be a teen, or 30, babe These songs still help me find a way Back to the core of me, if I could save me Settled at the other side Of this different stage in my life I’m young at heart again And this is crazy Ripping at the seams, Razor blades and screams Poems in my notebooks and twisted dreams Alcohol could stop time and time could stop me But one, one day the clock Picked up where it stopped With Linkin Park and Green Day American Idiot lives in my head Thoughts that I thought were dead Sink back into replay Settled at the other side Of this different stage in my life I’m young at heart again And this is crazy
2.
pieces. 03:48
Sinkin’ like a stone The words are so unknown And I once was gold Enraptured in your kiss Brushing fingertips And I once was cold You’re asking me to speak But since I don’t feel like me It’s emptying out all I’ve been told Trauma based in fear are like electricians in my ear The wiring is cut and my shell has been sold Piece by piece, piece by piece Pieces tie and are broken in the light Memory fades and pushes my old self out of sight I hear you today, and then I see myself cry Disassociating from my own demise The milk was spilled onto a galaxy on the floor Riches, rags and filth are all the same And they’re at my door Trying to put back together all of the pieces I was before Condemning all I’ve been and so much more Piece by piece, piece by piece Pieces tie and are broken in the light Memory fades and pushes my old self out of sight I hear you today, and then I see myself cry Disassociating from my own demise Because pieces tie, because pieces tie
3.
on the wire. 05:01
And so I, I, I write A story as, as, as big as the sky The planets knew that we, we would align What good are dreams this big, if you don’t even fight? It’s on the tip of my tongue And I won’t even run away It’s in the look in your eyes And the words that I’m scared to say It’s in a lot of different things that I can’t even try to convey You made me write this song In a town that I don’t want to stay And it’s another chapter in this Story ending, I thought I knew the plot twist, but then it crashed and I bought Stock in new beginnings Thinking all these new thoughts And so I, I, I smile With something real in me, I hadn’t felt in a while It’s not just you, it’s just how hope catches fire The spirit just flows through When you walk on the wire
4.
the cause. 04:25
Constantly moved by the gravity And the weight of all the brevity inside me I don’t know whether it is selfishness I feel too much, am I flawed by this intensity? Is this the cause of all the fears living inside me? There’s a balance there in feeding them Or starving all that I’ve ever been It’s deafening Look in your closet, what do you find A thousand different colors for your state of mind But you’re broken And you snap pictures for your instagram While your best friends says you’ve abandoned them Are you woke, then? Am I damn near as delicate as my dysphoric heart could care to admit Am I sinking? Or have you taken the best of me With every shot we took at Emerald street Did you shake me? Is this the cause of all the fears living inside me? There’s a balance there in feeding them Or starving all that I’ve ever been It’s deafening Is this the cause of all the fears living inside me? There’s a balance there in feeding them Or starving all that I’ve ever been It’s deafening Cross the line, can you cross the line? Is anything what we seem to find? Or do we all just drink our lies? Your weight in gold, your weight in gold These thoughts are heavier than we were told I’m grasping hard to know my soul And you don’t know me, you don’t know You don’t know Is this the cause of all the fears living inside me? There’s a balance there in feeding them Or starving all that I’ve ever been It’s deafening Is this the cause of all the fears living inside me? Is this the cause of all the fears living inside me?
5.
greg. 02:47
(In unison: She’s a mother with a pain Written on my fathers face Seen in my brothers’ eyes) In 6th grade you held my hand In a spaceship in a faraway land I dreamt of things I could not see And we didn’t get along And times that I was wrong I was too young, but on my tongue— And this is my memory It’s all I have left to sing And hold onto, in a world without you VHS tapes of your face All of it is just in case The love I share, proves no one there (In unison: She’s a mother with a pain Written on my fathers face Seen in my brothers’ eyes) And this date holds too much weight These words feel too damn late Just last year, I felt you near Because it’s been way too hard Went to Chicago, did the job But I’m not sure, you see me anymore (In unison: She’s a mother with a pain Written on my fathers face Seen in my brothers’ eyes) And it’s my part to carry on Your memory, lest it will fade And nobody knows your name
6.
Well did the world go right? Or did the moon just fly? What if the colors of the sky Had never burned so bright? And I’m dissecting all the times You looked me in the yes Oh, nothing is carved in stone until we die Oh, nothing is carved in stone until we die And while I cracked open And all the good shit spread I never thought of closing Meant every word I said Oh and the energy, oh the fire went wild Lay it down on me, I can take it for a while And I’m dissecting all the times You looked me in the eyes Oh, nothing is carved in stone until we die Oh, nothing is carved in stone until we die Oh, is nothing ever real until it’s right? Am I doomed to just repeat this same life? And I’m dissecting all the times You looked me in the yes Oh, nothing is carved in stone until we die Oh, nothing is carved in stone until we die Oh, is nothing ever real until it’s right? Am I doomed to just repeat this same life? Maybe the world’s still right Maybe I’ll still fly Maybe one goodbye, can transcend the night
7.
my mind. 03:23
When it’s nice outside When I want to die Can you hear? Can you figure it out? The acoustics in this room are what this is about And my mind is going all these ways Who would want a woman whose heart fucking caves? And I know, I’m against myself But this warm weather hasn’t fucking helped When it’s nice outside When I sink and cry Can I fix this? Can I fix my heart? I’ve done it before but it’s so hard to restart And it always feels so good Staring down the barrel I swear I could make this work And my mind is going all these ways Who would want a woman whose heart fucking caves? And I know, I’m against myself But this warm weather hasn’t fucking helped When it’s nice outside When I write about these times Can I stop? Can I listen hard? I might need your help to just jumpstart my heart And my mind is going all these ways Who would want a woman whose heart fucking caves? And I know, I’m against myself But this warm weather hasn’t fucking helped When it’s nice outside, when it’s… [I was part of this songwriting group for a bit, and I miss it. It changed the way that I wrote songs.]
8.
Seeking a ghost all the time Searching for life, livin’ a lie One day it fades, one day it dies Step out a-new, reachin’ for sky Cause in my heart’s song, in my troubled stare All I know, is life’s not fair But there’s another side, one that I have tried And life comes through, one more time Every day I fuckin’ try Not to reverse back to 25 Sometimes life feels small Then stretches wide Counting my breaths and gripping The sides of these walls And I try 20 more times to get it right Til I surrender And all the feelings I’m holding in tight Oh, they are exposed like the snow in the winter Muddying days and flooding the nights I found you tonight, you stuck like a splinter And the seed you planted in my heart Is starting to burst now, and rise like a twister Cause in my heart’s song, in my troubled stare All I know, is life’s not fair But there’s another side, one that I have tried And life comes through, one more time Something is desperate, clawng inside Searching for verses, make it make sense tonight The voices are real, the voices need light Try this again, try to explain this side of my mind And I try 20 more times to get it right Til I surrender And all the feelings I’m holding in tight Oh, they are exposed like the snow in the winter Muddying days and flooding the nights I found you tonight, you stuck like a splinter And the seed you planted in my heart Is starting to burst now, and rise like a twister Cause in my heart’s song, in my troubled stare All I know, is life’s not fair But there’s another side, one that I have tried And life comes through, one more time Cause in my heart’s song, in my troubled stare All I know, is life’s not fair But there’s another side, one that I have tried And life comes through, one more time
9.
heat index. 03:20
When I’m sitting on the porch Facing Brooks Avenue Gazing up at the same stars That are facing you In the same dream, sometimes it seems I am here with you Thousands of miles disappear within our view Cause I’m convinced they made the tall buildings So we can’t connect Take the El into the city, breakin’ our necks Thousands of people seeking a dream Facing a bullet proof vest But out here, it’s so clear Flying wanderless, flying wanderless Flying wanderless, yes When I’m sitting passenger side Taking the deepest breaths This once was a dream, now it’s unrest Escaping the tar, the brick and the mortar And the damn heat index Some will judge and they will scorn The life I think is best Cause I’m convinced they made the tall buildings So we can’t connect Take the El into the city, breakin’ our necks Thousands of people seeking a dream Facing a bullet proof vest But out here, it’s so clear Flying wanderless, flying wanderless Flying wanderless, yes And it’s the bullet I took and you’d take for me And it’s the song I write for the song that you couldn’t sing And it’s the words I wrote and the words that stay in me And it’s the bullet I took and you’d take for me And it’s the song I write for the song that you couldn’t sing And it’s the words I wrote and the words that stay in me When I’m sitting on the porch, facing Brooks Avenue...

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released January 15, 2020

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Liz Rose Bend, Oregon

singer/songwriter.
sober.

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